My current emotional state

I'm not going to send out this blog post to my insanely large email list like I normally do, but if you're keen enough to check my blog, then I'll satisfy your morbid curiosity you sick sick puppy :P

I'm an emotional wreck and it makes me feel better to puke it out online. Here's what's going on with me right now and how I am reevaluating my attitudes and flippant way in which I often treat members of the opposite sex. All the details won't be here, but the most important ones into my psychological status will be. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">Maybe two months ago, rightly or wrongly, I read some inappropriate messages on my boyfriend's computer while he was out. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">Now, I'm not going to be the first one to throw stones. As you know, I am as guilty of ambivalence as anyone. Much more so. I have been caught on the other side of this situation at least twice. Both times had devastating consequences for me. One time involved getting a divorce, the second time involved me moving to Korea. If you count An extremely jealous boyfriend who threw things at me for what probably wasn't flirting, then there were three times.

What I know from experience is that when this occurs, it is a symptom of trouble in a relationship. I knew this as soon as I found it because I saw myself in those messages. Almost exactly. Many years ago, it was me flirting and making plans that were never intended to happen when I thought I wouldn't get caught. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">It took me a month of crying and trying to rationalize before I could finally let go of what I had to admit was a facade of a relationship. Or at least take a break for a while. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">Without a doubt, I saw my previous transgressions coming back to haunt me. I thought I could simply forgive and forget, be the better person, but I couldn't. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">Unfortunately, I know from experience that this is more than just idle chit chat. People flirt because they are unsatisfied. That's all there is. No matter how much someone denies it. He or she may even believe the denials themselves, I know I did. Flirting in any shape or form denotes unhappiness. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;"><u>"I'm dating you, not them! It doesn't mean anything, I was just bored." </u> <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">The exact same lines I had uttered so many years ago hit me straight in the face and made me nauseous. I couldn't believe it was happening to me. The guilt and sadness about mistakes I made in the past just blew me away. I was an emotional wreck the whole month of June. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">Another circumstance affecting my psychological well being lately has been the absence of weekends away. If you have been reading this, you know that I often take off on weekends for epic destinations. As the boyfriend in question had begun working on Saturday mornings, I have been forfeiting my adventures in favor of Air Force type activities and those surrounding Gunsan. Not something I was very happy about. I missed my Lonely Planet adventures desperately. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">Even though he asked me to stay here for another year, I couldn't bring myself to accept or feel enthusiastic about any of the job leads I got in Gunsan at all. I had applied to many of them pre-emotional breakdown, and even went to some interviews. I just didn't feel the same. I didn't look forward to a mildly interested boyfriend who I may only see once a week and can't travel any further than a few hours away at a time. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">One thing that everyone knows about me is that I am NOT a masochist. I won't stick around for punishment because I don't think I deserve it. Sticking around here would have been emotional torture for me, and it's no one's fault but my own. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">So, the only choice I have is to leave. I had a little hissy fit the day I decided and then, as politely as possible, I informed the concerned party that I would be out of communication until I arrived in China, possibly for longer, perhaps forever. Today, It's only been a week and going pretty well, minus an egregious wrong number incident which I won't bore you with. <br style="color: rgb(34, 34, 34); font-family: arial, sans-serif; line-height: normal;">So, there you have it stalkers and other disgruntled ex boyfriends. Rest assured you have been sufficiently avenged for all the horrible things I put you through. Back to the travelogue.